Walmart and shit (literally) there is a dirty word in this post! (fair warning)

So I used to blog quite a bit over at MySpace before I left it for Faceburg, And since I was uber busy today I thought I’d leave you with one of my posts from last year. Mark Slaughter emailed me himself and said it cracked him up and that he reads all of my posts and laughs and laughs. Well he used t, maybe I should send him my new blog address :) Enjoy!

What is it with the Wal-Mart mindset? Are 90% of the people that shop there just mean? self absorbed? stupid?
Shoppers in the store actually act as if you SHOULD NOT SHOP.
If one more person sighs dramatically at me as I (God forbid) STOP TO LOOK AT SOMETHING I MIGHT PURCHASE I am going to punch them in the nose!
Do you ever feel like you’re just being herded around the store by rabid border collies?

I was shopping there this morning after having dropped off my dog to be spayed (want your animal spayed? I hope you like that 5 am alarm clock LOL I think vet’s are sadists)
Anyhoo, I am coming out the aisle preparing to make a right turn into the next aisle (I always stay on the correct side of the aisle, mostly for fear that some senior citizen will end my life with a motorized cart) and as I begin to turn this woman comes screaming to a halt at the end of said aisle. She looks at me with that deer in the headlights look and hesitates, just the way people on the cell phone at 4 way stops do. I continue forward instead of turning and park myself at the end cap thinking I would just watch the scene unfold and then back up and turn into the lane after she vacated the aisle.

I mean I could have been RUDE and asked her if she was going to go or maybe plant some gardenias there but I DON’T (the pressure was deep) She has this 2 to 3 year old in the cart who cannot say anything other than “cart,cart,cart.” Or I assume she can’t since this is all she is saying repeatedly. And that deer in the headlights bitch from hell said to her 2 year year old child “Yes honey that’s a cart, and it got in our way,and the polite thing to do would have been to say “Sorry” wouldn’t it?”

I was torn between saying something sarcastically polite like “Why are you addressing ME through a 2 year old, do you really think she can understand you other than the word cart?” Or screaming “No the polite thing to do would be for you to not come out in public looking like that.” Another option was “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Can you tell I was pissed? In fact I was so pissed that the window to say anything was lost as she mindlessly plowed on into the endless Wal-Mart of the North.
Damn! Don’t you just hate it when you want to say something to someone and then kick yourself later because you did not?

Actually it was an internal survival skill that saved me. I’m sure that embedded deeply into my brain (somewhere) is the voice of my mother making a loud gasping noise at the thought of my saying the words “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” And so I didn’t. LOL I am sure I said it enough in my youth to make up for all of the times I don’t say it now. And so later after I was over my anger I was GLAD I did not say anything (and usually am) because I felt like the better person for just letting her vent. And have the special bonus of knowing that later on when she got home and had a spare minute of not hearing “cart’cart’cart.” that she said to herself “Man I was a real asshole at Wal-Mart.” Yes, you WERE!

5 am beep beep beep beep beep beep beep isn’t there a better alarm sound? omg!
It’s summer and my husband is a teacher so all summer long we do not hear that bleeping alarm clock sound ever YUCK. BUT! My doggy dog girl is old enough to be spayed now so it’s off to do the responsible thing.
Again, stupid people. But I guess everyone is stupid at 6 am? (Yes it’s 6 now, 30 minutes to shower and dress and 30 minutes to convince the dog that NO we aren’t going to the vet!) Ok I lied we are going to the vet.

So we arrive and getting in is going slow. I am VERY patient with my dog, I am telling you I have had uber experience through dog rescue and seminars and 5000 episodes of The Dog Whisperer LOL and in a situation where your dog is scared, the LAST thing you want to do is to be either anxious or impatient and DRAG her.
I do not care if it is 1 step per minute, let her take a step then “GOOD GIRL!” Calm assertive voice with no hint of “Holy Pete just get in the damn building for shit’s sake!”

Karelian Bear dogs can be very stubborn, and there is a whole lot of “Look I’m not doing that,I am not eating that, I am not getting in there, if you want to do it FINE but I am not.”
Anyhoo next comes getting on the scale right? Ceasar Milan says to “Walk your dog onto the scale in a confident manner with no hesitation.” Ok! Moxie does the scale like a runway model, she walks onto the scale and smoothly off the other side, with no stopping to get an actual weight in between. Lovely.
Try #2 I pick her up around the waist (do dogs have waists?) and I might mention she weighs 60 pounds (we eventually found that out) and when I pick her up and turn to the scale, she splays out all 4 feet against the wall keeping me from moving in any direction (I feel her little doggy brain working at top speed)
Try #3 Ceasars way is quickly (I love you Ceasar) shelved and we bring out “MOMMY’S WAY!” It goes like this…… I go to the counter and get a cookie out of the doggie cookie jar and I turn and look at my dog. I say “Moxie do you want this cookie” and she said “Oh yes very much I do!” so I point at the scale and say “GO.” She weighs 58 pounds :o)  Job done

Moxie gets a pain pill!
The vet asked me do I want a pain pack for my dog (pill,injection and then pills that go home) I’m always shocked that they ask this no matter how many times I have an animal spayed or neutered. I mean, should pain relief BE an option? What kind of dickhead gets their animal fixed and says “No he doesn’t need a pain pill just empty his nutsack.”
So now the pills are in chewables. The vet decides since Moxie is obviously nervous maybe I’d like to give her the pill. Scaredy cat vet. I give Moxie the pill, it’s beef flavored no problem right? THIS is a Bear dog. If you gave a Bear dog a filet mignon and they think you have an ulterior motive you can forget about them eating it. I give her the pill and she doesn’t really even SPIT it out, she just kind of holds her mouth open and sticks out her tongue until it falls off onto the floor. Take 2, same thing.
Ok I’m done now, it’s going down the throat, I open her mouth and poke the pill into the back of her throat and she POOPS, a big pile of steaming poo right there in the exam room. Good girl!! sigh

So later that day I go to pick her up and she comes stumbling out of the back with the vet tech. She can barely walk but the second she sees me she walks straight to me, sits down, looks up in my face and waggles her whole body. Love like that is so priceless, and it’s a good thing too because she is very expensive!! LOL
And she rode all the way home and waited until she got out into the driveway to vomit! How cool is that?!?!?
So this evening she has mostly slept, she hasn’t been this still since the truck ride home when she was 10 weeks old! She for some reason does not want me out of her sight, and her best friend Obi-Wan is getting growled at any time he approaches her.
I am sure all will be back to normal tomorrow, whatever normal is :o)

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